Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If a snake ate a cake
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude