The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.


ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.


BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*


-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth


INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.


BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.


It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.


ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?


[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.