@TheAndrewNadeau

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

@TheAndrewNadeau

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

@TheAndrewNadeau

I’m gonna be honest, even worn baby shoes are still in super good condition. They can’t walk.
I feel like Hemingway’s just trying to upsell me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Thinking about the time someone told me they had an original copy of the Bible.
Like an actual adult chose this lie. They said they had a copy, written by the apostles.
Multiple apostles.
Like they all got together and workshopped it and then glued their sections together.

@TheAndrewNadeau

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

@TheAndrewNadeau

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

@TheAndrewNadeau

How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

@TheAndrewNadeau

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

@TheAndrewNadeau

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.