me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m gonna be honest, even worn baby shoes are still in super good condition. They can’t walk.
I feel like Hemingway’s just trying to upsell me.
Thinking about the time someone told me they had an original copy of the Bible.
Like an actual adult chose this lie. They said they had a copy, written by the apostles.
Like they all got together and workshopped it and then glued their sections together.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.