[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Favourite diary entry ever
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
The Others (2001)
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony