If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
How to draw a duck