Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@TheBeerGuy73 : Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
@TheBeerGuy73: Note to self:
When the wife asks "Do you like my new hair", don't reply with "It'll grow back, right?"
@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there's a mosquito in the room.
@TheBeerGuy73: I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don't ask a person wearing a leg cast if they've broken their leg.
@TheBeerGuy73: [Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
@TheBeerGuy73: I'm at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
@TheBeerGuy73: Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
@TheBeerGuy73: I'm skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack...
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
@TheBeerGuy73: I'm bringing sexy backward.
@TheBeerGuy73: ...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."