@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@TheBeerGuy73

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

@TheBeerGuy73

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@TheBeerGuy73

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”