Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m bringing sexy backward.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”