Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.