@TheBeerGuy73: *goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
@TheBeerGuy73: Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
@TheBeerGuy73: Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I've got this.
*grabs a hammer*
@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
@TheBeerGuy73: My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo".
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.