Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.