@TheBigBatman

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@TheBigBatman

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

@TheBigBatman

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

@TheBigBatman

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

@TheBigBatman

Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?