Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”