@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

@TheBoydP

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

@TheBoydP

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

@TheBoydP

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

@TheBoydP

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.