Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn't your report done and why are you always late?

@TheBoydP: What's it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don't eat them because you're afraid they'll be too hot?

I'm that

@TheBoydP: Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@TheBoydP: All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

@TheBoydP: The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@TheBoydP: Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut 'n Honey

@TheBoydP: All I'm saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

@TheBoydP: Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@TheBoydP: I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

@TheBoydP: Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.