@TheBoydP: Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don't care and I'm not interested in finding out.
@TheBoydP: Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
@TheBoydP: [Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
@TheBoydP: Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
@TheBoydP: Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket...
@TheBoydP: All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end...
@TheBoydP: How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
@TheBoydP: Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.