@TheBoydP: The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
@TheBoydP: If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
@TheBoydP: [God making sausages]
Angel: What's next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
@TheBoydP: Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
@TheBoydP: I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
@TheBoydP: God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…
@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
@TheBoydP: Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.