Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@TheBoydP: The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@TheBoydP: If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@TheBoydP: [God making sausages]

Angel: What's next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

@TheBoydP: Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

@TheBoydP: I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@TheBoydP: God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…

@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

@TheBoydP: Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.