Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@TheBoydP: All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

@TheBoydP: The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@TheBoydP: Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut 'n Honey

@TheBoydP: All I'm saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

@TheBoydP: Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@TheBoydP: I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

@TheBoydP: Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@TheBoydP: I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can't wait to hear what my wife thinks...

@TheBoydP: Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.