A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
This is hilarious….
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My life coach traded me.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”