My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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courtroom exchange of the day
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ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”