911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
omg leave her alone
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.