In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
doing your own taxes
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..