@TheCatWhisprer

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

@TheCatWhisprer

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

@TheCatWhisprer

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.