@TheCatWhisprer: MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

@TheCatWhisprer: I say "Andrea" you say "Aun-dray-uh" and that's why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@TheCatWhisprer: I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

@TheCatWhisprer: cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@TheCatWhisprer: COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i'm on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE

@TheCatWhisprer: [watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

@TheCatWhisprer: A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

@TheCatWhisprer: If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

@TheCatWhisprer: I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.