My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.