I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down
Getting old is trying to decide whether to roll to your right or roll to your left after getting the dog’s ball from under the couch
I ate grapes and blueberries for breakfast today and I guess I’m a bear now
Apparently ‘Cuz the floor is lava!’ isn’t a good enough excuse for me to not fold laundry
How do vampires get their hair and makeup done so well if they can’t use a mirror?
If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.
They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.
Getting older means taking that first step down the stairs in the morning carefully, to see if your achilles or your knees are working as they should
FYI guys, women don’t like it when you start rubbing a magic eraser on them during an argument