Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.