My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
saving face 👀
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.