If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit