When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This is the one
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.