No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”