If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
All set.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”