[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
You Might Also Like
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.