The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: