I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.