@TheDairylandDon

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@TheDairylandDon

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

@TheDairylandDon

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

@TheDairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

@TheDairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

@TheDairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@TheDairylandDon

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.