I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Celery is depressing green water wafers.