Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.