There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
going to the ER y’all need anything
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
HOW DARE YOU
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*