If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.