me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear