@TheDreamGhoul

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@TheDreamGhoul

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

@TheDreamGhoul

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

@TheDreamGhoul

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*