major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol