Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?
When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.
I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’
The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.
8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.
I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!