[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes