@TheFearBoners

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

@TheFearBoners

When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.

@TheFearBoners

Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.

@TheFearBoners

I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’

@TheFearBoners

The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.

@TheFearBoners

8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.

@TheFearBoners

So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@TheFearBoners

Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!