Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.