*jingles half the way*
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My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth