My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman