Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’