fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
he’s doing your taxes
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
dutch so unserious
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”