Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
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I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps