[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..