[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
yeah no that’s fair
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.