@TheHatStore: doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
doctor: [writing] you're... fired...
@TheHatStore: robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
@TheHatStore: doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
@TheHatStore: me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
@TheHatStore: [first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
@TheHatStore: me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
@TheHatStore: [field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
@TheHatStore: dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
@TheHatStore: me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I'm so thirsty