@TheHatStore

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@TheHatStore

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

@TheHatStore

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

@TheHatStore

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

@TheHatStore

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

@TheHatStore

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

@TheHatStore

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey