murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil


[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys


wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now


me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room


her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone


[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”


me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral


me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*


her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer