I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My birthstone is kidney
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.