Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701