‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
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What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…