I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.