vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh


friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet


[my wife is giving birth]

doctor: grab a leg!

me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe


me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*

wife: thanks


me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone


me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk


[getting high]

me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

friend: wait, u mean-

me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon


cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did


lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden