@TheHyyyype

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

@TheHyyyype

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

@TheHyyyype

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

@TheHyyyype

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

@TheHyyyype

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

@TheHyyyype

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

@TheHyyyype

dolphin trainer: dolphins are really smart

me [to dolphin]: do my taxes

dolphin trainer: and honest

me: on second thought

@TheHyyyype

i forgot the word “dosage” so i asked my doctor what my medication’s “serving size” was

@TheHyyyype

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

@TheHyyyype

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz