vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[my wife is giving birth]
doctor: grab a leg!
me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe
wife: ARE YOU AN IDIOT??
me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
friend: wait, u mean-
me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden