[aliens arrive on earth]

people: w- what do you want

aliens: peace

people: oh thank god, cause we thought-

aliens: *pull out laser cannon* and quiet


me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby


why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex


vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh


friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet


[my wife is giving birth]

doctor: grab a leg!

me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe


me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*

wife: thanks


me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone


me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk


[getting high]

me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

friend: wait, u mean-

me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon