[aliens arrive on earth]
people: w- what do you want
people: oh thank god, cause we thought-
aliens: *pull out laser cannon* and quiet
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[my wife is giving birth]
doctor: grab a leg!
me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe
wife: ARE YOU AN IDIOT??
me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
friend: wait, u mean-
me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority