Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
how was your vacation
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
23. the denim jacket
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try